i cried because…
.my daughter has been crying/whining for the past 3 days for no apparent reason. teeth have to be looming, right? (???!!!!!)
.i can’t clean my kitchen/bedroom, bc of said whining, the two places that, when clean, make me feel calm and at ease.
.i feel like a bad mom for letting her push me to and over the edge. i should be better than that
.i want to work. you read that right. i love working and making my clients happy. i feel like i never get more than an hour to dedicate myself to what i am passionate about doing.
.so much in my personal life is in flux right now. when i was younger i was constantly juggled around because of having divorced parents so even now in my life i crave stability and routine. the fact that i don’t know where i/we’ll be in a year has me in a perpetual funk.
.some other family garbage that i don’t want to elaborate on. i come from a family who doesn’t have “crap” to deal with. this is new territory. and it sucks. bad.
.i have a beautiful life. a wonderful husband. a gorgeous baby girl. i know these things. the guilt i feel for being even a little bit down makes me feel like a huge brat.
.i can’t find a babysitter. i told josh the other day that i feel my relationship toward being a mother in general would be entirely different if hazel wasn’t with me 24 hours a day, 6 days a week. i literally never have time away from her which never gives me a chance to miss her and leaves me with a very mixed identity. much like i wouldn’t be the best wife in the world if i never left josh’s side, i feel the same about being a stay-at/work-from home mother to hazel.
i have no happy end to this story or point, really. other than to tell other mothers, if you’re feeling the same way, that it’s ok. fellow moms know it’s not always sunshine and butterflies and any mom who tries to tell you differently is lying. and to other moms who have gone through this? the crying (by you and your child), the whining, the….emotions? i bow down to you. this thing is tough. really really tough.